A Song About Polar Bears VERSE 1 Some polar bears were wandering up near the north pole Looking for a tasty seal to eat When they came upon nine reindeer playing in the snowy cold The bears rejoiced, for venison is a tasty treat They devoured each and every reindeer on that frigid plain But though bears waste not, not one would eat the nose Of the smallest reindeer carcass, because though it sounds insane It was so shiny some even said it glows. CHORUS The polar bears ate the reindeer The blood flowed on the ice The polar bears ate the reindeer That wasn't very nice VERSE 2 When Santa came upon the scene at first he was upset That the bears had eaten his sleigh pulling team But he quickly came to see that there was no cause for regret And his twinkling eye soon regained its gleam He was sick of gun nuts shooting at him every Christmas eve Drawn by the red light shooting 'cross the night But when it snows polar bears are much harder to perceive And if attacked, well, polar bears can bite. CHORUS The polar bears saved Christmas The sleigh cut through the sky The polar bears saved Christmas Who knew polar bears could fly? BRIDGE And Santa’s favorite part about his new troop of bear Was the gentle reminder they gave kids to care About the true meaning of Christmas, to be kind and to share For tots who are not had better beware A child who is sweet will get lots of great toys And sugary treats, and snuggles, and joy But children who are sour and their parents annoy Will be eaten up whole, whether a girl or a boy CHORUS The polar bears saved Christmas But don’t be naughty, do not cry  The polar bears saved Christmas ‘Cause if you're not good then you'll die

The Killer Clown Came to Our Town VERSES 1 & 2 Flubbo was a clown Who wasn't much fun He couldn't make people laugh He couldn't sell a pun He so wanted to spread Joy and goodwill But try as he might He had no clowning skill Then one fateful day  At a fifth birthday bash He thought a magic trick Would make a big splash He pulled a fish bowl From the hat on his head But all the kids screamed 'Cause the little fish was dead CHORUS [Hey, look, there's that fish killer now!] Flubbo the killer clown The clown who made children cry It’s Flubbo the killer clown He's the clown who made the laughter die VERSES 3 & 4 Flubbo wandered town to town No one would let him in He couldn’t live down that poor fish Every day he hoped anew The he would find his place Making people happy was his only wish No one would give Flubbo a chance But then he came to my town And heard a pounding disco beat  He was drawn into my club Like it was calling out his name The rhythm tugging at his feet He'd never been out dancing so did What came naturally It always cheered him up to see How silly he could be Shuffling his big clown feet And honking his red nose Doing flips and pratfalls He put on quite the show CHORUS [Hey, look, that guy's awesome!] Flubbo the killer clown His dancing really caught the eye It’s Flubbo the killer clown With killer moves so cool, you could just die VERSE 5 Now Flubbo is beloved  By the hipster party crowd They dig his zany moves They sing his praises loud We both know any day A new hot fad may take his place But Flubbo doesn’t care “I’ve gained a lifelong love of bass” BRIDGE And don't feel bad for the little fish It seems he faked his own death so he'd be flushed and go free Now he dances in the ocean blue Grooving to the song of his big dolphin buddy CHORUS x2 Flubbo the killer clown He once made children cry It’s Flubbo the killer clown He's waved those days goodbye [Let's all hear it for] Flubbo the killer clown His dancing really grabs the eye He's Flubbo the killer clown With killer moves so cool, you could just die

Plow Guy Hit My Garage VERSE 1 Out in my garage sits a special memento A perfectly maintained Jackson Model C A brass era car and the pride and joy Of the first farmer my father brought to his knees  Pops founded a bank so he'd rake in the cash Charging high interest rates on the money he loaned One farmer fell behind when the drought hit the plains My father seized all that this farmer owned CHORUS I’ve come for your Jackson, to pay off your debt I’ve come for your Jackson, plus the foreclosure fee I’ve come for your Jackson, I feel no regret I’ve come for your Jackson, now give it to me VERSE 2 Dad sold most everything that had any value As the destitute farmer helplessly grieved But my father kept that gleaming brass Jackson A souvenir of all he had achieved All the farmer had left were the things not worth selling A weak sickly ox and a rusty old plow As he shuffled away to wherever poor folk go He turned to my Dad and made a solemn vow CHORUS I will come for my Jackson, you've taken what's mine I will come for my Jackson, mark my words well I will come for my Jackson, I've got nothing but time I will come for my Jackson, come heaven or hell VERSES 3-4 Like dear dead dad I'm also a banker And like him I despise a deadbeat If you borrow my money, then you pay your debts It's a hard world, you've got to be strong to compete I'm watching TV when the cable cuts out In the sudden silence I hear footsteps fall I look out the window and off in the distance  I see a stranger sight than any I can recall A weak sickly ox pulls a rusty old plow Guided by a dusty skeletal man His battered straw hat pulled down hiding his face He shuffles forth with determined plan In the cleaved soil trailing the man and his ox I see the TV cords he cut a few moments prior With the ox's next step my power goes out As the plow blade slices through my electric wire  And then my radio turns on… CHORUS I am coming for my Jackson, you've taken what's mine I am coming for my Jackson, mark my words well I am coming for my Jackson, I've got nothing but time I am coming for my Jackson, come heaven or hell VERSES 5-6 Everything is dark, there's no moon, no stars But the plow, does it shine its own light? The man and his ox approach my garage Direct, like a man with home in sight "What madness are you," I yell at the man As the ox reaches the garage wall Then passes right through like the wind through the air  Not stopped by the boundary at all But then the plow hits, and I feel the house tremble It ruptures the wall like a pin to the eye The plow creates a hole, and the man goes in after Outside, only darkness is left in the sky It's just some strange trick, I know that for sure I grab my gun for extra courage I yell out a warning, race out of my house And plunge through the breach into the garage  I hear… CHORUS I’ve come for my Jackson, to pay off your debt I’ve come for my Jackson, plus the foreclosure fee I’ve come for my Jackson, I feel no regret I’ve come for my Jackson, now give it to me BRIDGE  And in tonight's news, a mysterious death in the wealthy Farmer's Glen gated community.  The victim’s body -- which police would only describe as 'gruesome' -- was found buried in a shallow grave under the torn-up floor of his garage.  Strangely, although neighbors were home at the time that police say the murder occurred, no one reported anything suspicious. Police have their work cut out for them.  Revenge is one possible motive, as the victim's bank has tossed many local families out of their homes.  Or this may have been a simple robbery, as a rare Jackson Model C was taken from the victim's garage.  Oddly, a rusted out plow and a complete set of ox bones appear to have been left in its place.  CHORUS I’ve come for my Jackson, you've taken what's mine I’ve come for my Jackson, mark my words well I’ve come for my Jackson, I've got nothing but time I’ve come for my Jackson, come heaven or hell

That Pretty Lady Just Farted, I Think INTRO All right kiddo, is it time to change your diaper yet?  [Sniff] Yep that's pretty gross.  Let's get you cleaned up.  [Sniff] Ugh... How can somebody so cute have poop that stinks so bad? Actually, I guess it's kind of fitting.  Let me tell you a little story... VERSES 1-2 An acquaintance who I knew from work Who I thought was a bit of a jerk Asked if I'd like to go To a party he'd throw With loud music so ladies would twerk I thought it was pretty clear cut That it's rude to check out people's butts Still I had the night free I'd go, but I'd be A gentleman no matter what From the moment I walked in the door I wondered what I'd even come for I tried to have fun But I knew no one I just stared at the living room floor ’Til I smelled an exotic perfume While waiting in line for the bathroom Standing right behind me Also waiting to pee  Was a girl who brought light to my gloom CHORUS  I said, “I’ve never smelt that, I mean, it smells great ” She said, "Thanks, I like to make my own scents.” I said, “I know what you mean, music’s what I create.” She said, “Making things is cool, and is time well-spent” VERSE 3 My heart soared into the air And I wondered did I even dare Hope that she liked me too ‘cause if it was true Then just maybe we’d make a great pair But then it got awkward real fast And each second dragged out from the last Conversation died I was wholly tongue tied And it felt like our moment had passed CHORUS I said, “Sooo… Nice weather?” She said, “Yeah… A little cool for the date.” I said, “I know what you mean, I should have brought a sweater.” She said, “Hey person in the bathroom how long do we have to wait??” VERSES 4-5 I was sad it was falling apart At an end before it had a start But fate, though unseen  Loudly intervened When she loosed a remarkable fart [Fart break] There was no trace of red on her face She felt not the slightest disgrace Though everyone knew Beyond doubt it was true It was her who had stunk up the place I know that farting is taboo But sometimes it's just what one must do Though perhaps immature I knew for quite sure I needed to rip a fart too CHORUS I said, "Sure, but how about…” [fart]  She said, “OK, but then…” [fart] I said, “Yeah, but check out…” [fart] She said, “That reminds me of when…” [fart] BRIDGE  After that little display, we were politely asked to go We laughed all the way to a cozy cafe I know We’ve been together ever since, and we will never outgrow Being as loud as we can, when we feel the need to blow CHORUS x2 I say, "Sure, but how about…” [fart]  She says, “OK, but then…” [fart] I say, “Yeah, but check out…” [fart] She says, “That reminds me of when…” [fart] I say, “What would you advise about…” [fart]  She says, “I recommend…” [fart] I say, “I don’t mean to doubt, but…” [fart] She says, “I guess in the end…” [fart]

Never Cross That Line VERSE 1 If you look on a map You'll see encircling my town A solid black line I wish I could see on the ground So I'd know just how far I can walk before I’m in Someone else's town Somewhere I’ve never been CHORUS I'll never cross that line I'll never leave my home This town's been good to me I've got no urge to roam VERSE 2 They say your home  is wherever is your heart I know that that's a lie I knew it from the start My beloved wanted to leave town To further her career She followed her dreams My home is still here CHORUS x2 I'll never cross that line I'll never leave my home This town's been good to me I've got no need to roam BRIDGE She didn’t ask me to go She knew what I hold dear She left with my heart My home will always be here CHORUS I'll never cross that line I'll never leave my home This town's been good to me I've got no urge to roam

 Like Father Like Son VERSE 1 The newborn baby So small and cute At least until He starts to poop Dad says  "How do you do this all day? Where does it come from? But it's OK. CHORUS 'Cause you do what you can do And you make what you can make Some people may be unimpressed But if you're happy then it's great." VERSE 2 And dad, he likes To sing his songs Some people don't get it But others sing along The boring people ask "Why do you do it?" Dad says "If it's fun You gotta commit. CHORUS Cause I do what I can do And I make what I can make Some people may be unimpressed But if I'm happy then it's great." BRIDGE And dad says "We're in this together So let's have a little race Each day you'll poop just lots of times I'll try to keep the pace Each time you fill you diaper I'll record another tune And by the time you're toilet trained  My songs will reach the moon! CHORUS Cause we do what we can do And we make what we can make Some people may be unimpressed But if we're happy then it's great."

Everything Deserves a Song (Oh Yeah) INTRO I wake up in the morning With a song in my heart A whole brand new day Is just about to start And as I throw off the covers The very most bestest part Is the fresh page of opportunity To make life into art! VERSE 1 A bar of soap is really neat It gets me clean from my head to my feet And helps me be not stinky but rather smell sweet I lather and rinse and then I repeat This razor lets me cut the hair from my face It gets my skin so smooth without any trace Of stubble at all, and I keep a spare in case It starts to get dull, and needs to be replaced CHORUS 1 (Oh yeah!) My gift is to take the mundane (Oh yeah!) Things that are commonplace, ordinary, plain (Oh yeah!) And through the magic a song can attain (Oh yeah!) Make it all enchanting again VERSE 2 Traffic light tells me when to stop and go If you don’t want to crash, it’s good stuff to know The traffic cop waves at me to go slow I obey the traffic signal and merge with the flow Have you ever really thought about everyday stuff The people and things that make life not so rough To celebrate the special is easy enough Appreciating the mundane is much more tough CHORUS 2 (Oh yeah!) How can people be bored with the world? (Oh yeah!) Don’t they see a rag can be a flag once its unfurled (Oh yeah!) An oyster may look drab but inside is a pearl! (Oh yeah!) You can hear the music’s notes once you give the tune a whirl BRIDGE There’s nothing so small it doesn’t merit a song Every person deserves their own tune I may not have gotten around to you yet But soon… Someday soon… CHORUS 1